on specimens and such...

So we had the last doctor's appointment today, and as usual the nurse took me to get weighed and measured (makes me kinda sound like a side of beef, doesn't it?).

Then she asked me, like every time, to step around the corner into the bathroom and leave a full little cup in the shelf behind the tiny door in the wall.

At this clinic, they don't have proper specimen cups. Just regular white styrofoam ones, with a pen by the sink. You're supposed to write your name on the cup, fill it up, and then leave it for the nurse behind that little magic door. Not rocket science, right?

Unless you're me. For the second time in the last three months, I walked in, shut and locked the door. Grabbed a cup and the pen, sat down while dutifully writing my name on the cup as legibly as possible. And then realized there was nothing left to go in the cup.

Nice.

Reach over and turn the faucet to a noisy trickle.

Think watery thoughts.

Berate myself for not being able to manufacture more pee when it's actually needed. Because, honestly, I could fill more than this stupid little cup at any given moment of the rest of the day. Just not right now.

Ignore the next pregnant lady knocking on the door cause I've taken so long.

Finally settle for placing the cup behind the door with approximately 7 drops of "specimen". Reach over and shut off the pointlessly trickling faucet. Take five more minutes to get the maternity jeans, long tank top, maternity shirt and everything else tucked back into place.

Wash hands.

Find the funny in it all. Cackle loudly to myself all the way out the door, down the hall, and into the exam room.

Stop cackling long enough to ask the nurse, "Uhh, ma'am, if you need more..."

"Don't worry," she cuts me off as though she knows EXACTLY what I'm going to say. "Just a couple drops'll do. The doctor will be right with you."

Get cackling under control before doctor arrives. Not aiming for the lunatic diagnosis. At least not today...

Who knows, maybe next time?

© Sarah K. Asaftei, 2009 unless otherwise sourced. Use allowed by express written permission only.