biblical instructions for NEW MOMMY and NEW DADDY (4 of 4)

Did you know that the Bible has some great advice for new mothers?

Lots of people seem to think that the book of Leviticus is outdated, old-fashioned, and generally inapplicable to modern life, but I don't see it all that way. I'm not writing this to argue about old health and dietary laws, or to debate what should be imposed on us today.

I'm just saying, check this out before you assume that it wouldn't make your life easier as a NEW MOMMY.

Leviticus 12:2-5 says:

If a woman becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son, she will be ceremonially unclean for 7 days, just as she is unclean during her menstrual period. On the eighth day the boy’s foreskin must be circumcised. After waiting 33 days, she will be purified from the bleeding of childbirth.

During this time of purification, she must not touch anything that is set apart as holy. And she must not enter the sanctuary until her time of purification is over. If a woman gives birth to a daughter, she will be ceremonially unclean for 2 weeks, just as she is unclean during her menstrual period. After waiting 66 days, she will be purified from the bleeding of childbirth.

Whether you do or don't circumcise doesn't matter. And while many people seem to think that this passage is sexist and biased against women, I think it's the exact opposite.

Think about it. God is essentially saying that for 1-2 weeks a woman is ceremonially unclean. That meant you had to wash your hands before and after touching her or the baby. It also meant that most people didn't want to get too close, or they'd become ceremonially unclean too. Result? A cleaner, more germ-free environment for mother and baby, and a minimum number of guests.

During the mother's "time of purification" she couldn't travel, have sex, go to church, or do housework. That meant she had unlimited time to breastfeed, bond with her baby, and stay home and rest while other relatives and friends did her heavy work. It also meant that she got to avoid big crowds where there are lots of germs. And that her husband was banned from pressuring her to have sex before she'd had time to heal and recuperate.

And why was it longer for baby girls than for baby boys? Well, here it says that even today baby girls tend to have lower birth weights and higher mortality rates. So staying home and resting was the best way for a new baby girl to get a healthy start.

Sounds like God was protecting new mommies and new babies, to me. As I got closer to having our son, the idea of 6 weeks at home without much housework sounded better and better! I wanted that time to figure out mommyhood, bond with my baby, and get my energy back.

What does this mean for new daddies? Since we don't live in the "village" society anymore, where your wife would be surrounded by female relatives and friends to do her work - it means you probably need to pick up the ball. Either do your wife's work yourself, or make sure that someone around you is consistently helping in your house.

Do this, and you will be your wife's hero forever.

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© Sarah K. Asaftei, 2009 unless otherwise sourced. Use allowed by express written permission only.

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NEW DADDIES' GUIDE TO BEING NEW MOMMY'S HERO (3 of 4)

Your baby just arrived - and now the real fun begins. And maybe the toughest thing for NEW DADDY to accept is that absolutely none of this is about you. You're definitely a part of it, and it's absolutely about you, and the NEW MOMMY and the BABY becoming a family together. But you're not the center of attention here.  On the other hand, you should know that you have the capacity to completely ruin the experience for your wife. The way you act over the next several weeks (or few months) will determine whether you are her hero for life, or a total idiot.

And every good husband wants to be his wife's hero, right? These pointers will take you a looooooong way in that direction.

(NOTE: A friend pointed out to me that without some context, this post might sound like it was written out of bitterness or frustration at my own husband, which couldn't be further from the truth. So here's the context: the majority of these are things my husband volunteered to do or instinctively understood. I didn't make him do them. Neither did anybody else.

All I can say is that he is one amazing husband and an incredible daddy, and he has the beautiful gift of empathy. So while he definitely put out tremendous and intentional effort, some of these things came pretty naturally to him. And he helped me think of things to include in the list so other new daddies could have an easier time of it.)

1. Tell her she's wonderful (and beautiful)! No matter how puffy and worn out she looks, she's just brought life into the world. And that life is your son or daughter. So don't hold back - say it over and over. She's incredible.
   
2. Be her bouncer. She's too tired, and probably too polite, to make visitors leave. It's your job - and your privilege - to protect her and your new baby. When your wife is looking tired, gently urge guests to the door, whether its your home or the hospital room. Never invite anyone over without specifically asking your wife first. Don't assume she has the energy just because she finally got a shower today. Protect her interests over everyone else's, even your own.
   
3. Don't categorize how tired you think she is (or isn't). You'll never do anything as hard as what she just did. Check your ego at the door and get over it. You will never be this tired. You will never have this many hormones flooding through your system at once. She has got you beat, and no matter how much you might think you can relate or compare it to your own experience - you can't. Say: "I can't imagine how tired you must be, baby!" NOT: "Wow, you must be almost as tired as I was when I did that triathlon!"
   
4. See if you can take off work. Did you know that most states have laws mandating paid paternity leave for up to 2 weeks? If your state does, check with your boss to see how much time you can spend at home right after the baby is born. It's a great time to just be with your wife and the new baby and bond together. If you can't take much time off, ask to bring work home with you so you can still be around for a few days at the very beginning.
   
5. Don't lie there snoring while she's up with the baby. Unless it's because you plan on taking the next 8-hour shift so she can sleep too. You helped make this baby, you help care for it. Even if that just means sitting up with her during night time feedings so she doesn't feel utterly and completely alone.
   
   But you have to work all day tomorrow? Boo hoo. Guess what, so does she. While you're away at work, she'll be doing everything BABY needs. While producing breastmilk (which burns the same calories as running on the treadmill for a full hour). While healing from the delivery process. While recuperating from making a baby for 10 months. The least you can do is get a little tired with her.
   
   (Especially if you're a guy with a desk job. However, if your day-time job is heavy physical labor, or particularly dangerous - this might not apply to you.)
   
6. Don't ask her to do ANYTHING for you. Not cooking. Not your laundry. Not rubbing your back or playing with your hair. Don't ask her to lift a finger on your behalf. This is a time (for at least 6-8 weeks) where she needs to feel free to bond with the baby, get lactation established (if she's breastfeeding) and figure out mommyhood. Later, when her energy's back, she'll have time for you again. Until then, be a big boy about it and take care of yourself.
   
7. Keep comments about her size to yourself. Baby belly doesn't disappear overnight, no matter what celebrities say. It'll take her time to lose the weight, and if you want to help her out the best thing you can do is put daily babysitting on your calendar so she can get away for some exercise. But it'll take her a little while to even have enough energy for that. Don't push her, don't tease her, don't bug her about it. Do tell her that if she wants to go to a gym or get other exercise, you will: 1)pay for it without complaining, and 2)make every possible effort to help with childcare. This may mean that you don't get to the gym yourself for a little while. You'll live. If she's going to lose the baby weight, the best time is in the first year - after that it tends to stick around. But let her decide when she's ready to start working out again. 
   
8. Whatever NEW MOMMY wants, you make sure she gets it. No, I'm not saying you should enable narcissism. But most new mothers are entering the most selfless phase of their entire lives up to this point. It's time for NEW DADDY to be selfless too. If she needs water at 2 AM, go get it. If she wants to go for a walk and you don't feel like it, suck it up and tag along. If she's been walking the baby, give her a foot rub every night for a few nights. Things will balance out later. For now, just go out of your way to fawn over her. It'll come back to you in very good ways later on, guaranteed.
   
9. Don't question her decisions about BABY at first. Her instincts are good. Trust them. Ask her how to do things and then try out her instructions before experimenting. You may be an expert in many areas, but this is her turf. If you have a good idea, ask her what she thinks, but don't argue if she doesn't agree. She might be touchy right now, she wants everything to be perfect, and she's probably spent weeks reading up on parenting resources that you haven't even heard of. Trust your wife. And when you follow her instructions, you're proving to her that she can trust you with the baby. Later on, when everything settles down a little, you'll have plenty of time to develop your own style as a dad!
   
10. Bring BABY to her at night, especially during the first few weeks. It's a simple way to show her you're a partner in this exhausting journey. And don't complain about how tired you are. She's doing everything you are, plus healing and breastfeeding. When she's done breastfeeding, you can change the diaper, and put baby back to bed so NEW MOMMY can fall asleep faster.
    
11. Swap nights when baby is a little older. After baby has started sleeping a few more hours at night, take one night on and one night off. That way each of you can look forward to a full night of sleep every other night. (We did sleep training, so for us this only lasted about three weeks; by the time Little Man was 6 or 7 weeks old he was sleeping 6-8 hours a night already.)
    
    This is easy if you're bottle feeding. If baby is breastfed, invest in some wide-base bottle nipples that mimic the breast. That way you can get up and feed baby with pumped milk while your wife sleeps. Good rest is essential to keeping up her milk supply, as well as helping her have the patience and alertness to be a good mother.
    
12. Read parenting books your wife likes. If you want to be any kind of dad at all, you and your wife need to be on the same page with parenting philosophies. If you're smart, you've been showing an interest in parenting books long before now. But this is no time to slack off. There's more to raising good kids than just making sure they are fed and bathed regularly. When you intentionally invest time in reading and talking about your parenting plan with your wife, she knows she's not alone. That means she can relax about the future, which is good in all kinds of ways - particularly in her trust and admiration for you.
    
13. Remember that NEW MOMMY tires quickly. She might start each day with all kinds of plans, and then be prostrate on the couch by 11 AM. Don't panic. This is normal. It's your cue to either 1) step in and do those things for her, or 2) gently remind her that they weren't so important in the first place and she's still an amazing woman and mommy even if it doesn't get done today.
    
14. Understand NEW MOMMY's sleep deprivation. You might be able to lie down and fall deeply asleep - but your wife most likely can't. Not that she doesn't want to. By the time BABY is two or three weeks old, your wife would probably give her right arm to be able to fall into deep, restful sleep. But it just doesn't work that way. NEW MOMMY will probably not be able to truly sleep for another few months. She's like a momma deer, always with one eye open. She's ready to scramble into full-care-mode in 2 seconds if baby needs her. Which is murder on her own ability to rest. So just because she fell asleep, doesn't mean she's rested. Remember that, when you want to make some smart crack about how tired YOU are.
    
15. Get some other daddy-friends. If this is your first baby and all your friends are single or childless, the transition can be tough. It might be hard to want to spend a family evening at home when your buddies are heading out to do something you would normally join. And it can be hard to be positive about all the changes if your pals are ribbing you about all the "freedom" you've lost by becoming a dad. Their teasing can rob you of the joys and amazement of daddyhood if you let it. Find some other dads your age who love being involved with their families. Swap stories and do things together - you'll feel less frustrated about being "tied down" (if that's how you feel right now), and you'll pick up some great tips from guys who've been there.
    
16. Watch for signs of post-partum depression. It's pretty normal for a NEW MOMMY to barely even shower or remember to eat in the first few days. But if that pattern goes on for a while, or if she continues to seem discouraged or to doubt her ability to be a mother, have a heart-to-heart with her about how she's really doing. (Or ask a trusted friend or relative to do it.) NEW MOMMY doesn't want to be seen as a failure, and she definitely doesn't want anyone to doubt her ability to be a good mom. So she's not likely to come and spill it out. You can help by observing her and making sure she gets the rest and support she needs.

Some guys reading this are thinking "No way, man! I'm not gonna be subservient to my wife like that!" But this isn't about subservience, it's about servant leadership. It's not about submitting to your wife, it's about not demanding anything from her while she's so fragile. It means you're making a conscious choice to be spectacularly unselfish during this period of time.

And it's not about being controlled by your wife. Rather, it's about being compassionate and sympathetic to what she's going through. She has just given you a child that will carry on your name into the next generation. That's huge. This whole period of time is an opportunity for you to express over and over to her how much you love her, in ways that remind her how blessed she is to have you as a husband.

It'll all get back into balance sooner than you think. Especially if you do any kind of baby sleep training so the whole family can get some rest. Sleep deprivation makes everything worse, for everyone. And if it seems like the exhaustion will never end, just hang in there. Millions of other parents have made it through to the other side, with only a few less brain cells to show for it. :)

(next post: biblical instructions for NEW MOMMY to rest, and for NEW DADDY to share the burden...)

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© Sarah K. Asaftei, 2009 unless otherwise sourced. Use allowed by express written permission only.

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FAMILIES' GUIDE TO HELPING A NEW MOMMY (2 of 4)

If you've had your own kids, these ideas may come naturally. But if you haven't, you might want a few tips on how to make NEW MOMMY's life a little easier.

1. Ask her how long she wants you to be with her in the hospital each day. And when you visit, BE QUIET! If she's resting, be vigilant to keep noises down.  Right now she's not sleeping deeply, because she's too attuned to every sound from BABY. The slightest rustle can jar NEW MOMMY from the rest she desperately needs.
2. Make sure the refrigerator is fully stocked. Ask what she wants to eat - her cravings and tastes may have changed drastically in the hours since giving birth, especially if she was nauseated during late pregnancy.
3. Take your phone calls outside. Keep the atmosphere calm and relaxed. Don't stress her out about your private troubles.
4. If this isn't NEW MOMMY's first baby, help babysit the older child(ren). Keep them quiet, occupied and happy. Make sure she doesn't have to worry about their well-being. And offer to take the baby now and then so that NEW MOMMY can spend a little quality time with the older one(s), too. 
5. Just sit. Be there with her. Don't feel pressured to entertain or be entertained. Your presence and support is the most valuable thing. 
6. Keep your advice to yourself. Don't overwhelm her with opinions, ideas, and stories. Tell her that if she needs help she is welcome to ask you, and then let her explore this new journey on her own a little. 
7. MAKE HER REST. She might feel guilty that everyone is doing things that are normally "her job". She may be so jittery that she can hardly calm down and relax. Give her permission to go rest. Assure her that you've got it under control. She will probably jump awake at every sound baby makes - so if you take BABY so she can nap, be sure to have BABY far enough away that NEW MOMMY can't hear any crying or noises.
8. After a couple of weeks, offer to sleep over and care for the baby overnight. Or offer to take baby to your house overnight if that works. This can work even if mommy is breastfeeding. You just take care of everything else and bring baby to her for feeding. Or, ask mommy to pump enough milk for overnight and feed the baby with a bottle.
9. Love on BABY and on NEW MOMMY a whole lot. Keep fights or family arguments on the back burner. Set aside old issues. Do whatever it is she wants - she'll appreciate you for it forever.
10. Last, but not least, don't criticize NEW MOMMY's parenting choices. If she wants to give baby a binkie and you think they're ridiculous, keep it to yourself. If she wants baby to sleep in a crib from day one and you did something different, don't bring it up. The more you criticize her decisions (unless she's endangering her child), the more likely she is to just wish you'd leave. 

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© Sarah K. Asaftei, 2009 unless otherwise sourced. Use allowed by express written permission only.

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FRIENDS' GUIDE TO VISITING A NEW MOMMY (1 of 4)

So you're friends with someone who just had a baby. Here's a few pointers for making yourself useful when you visit the new mommy, and being the kind of friend she wants to invite back instead of the kind that she silently wishes would just leave.

1. Keep your voice down. NEW MOMMY's ears are hypersensitive from all those hormones flooding her system. She can practically hear her baby breathing from two rooms away, so try to speak softly, laugh quietly and just be generally low-key.
2. Bring food. The last thing NEW MOMMY needs to be doing is cooking right now. Check with her before you come over to see if there's anything that sounds yummy, and don't take her polite "Oh don't worry about it! You don't need to bring anything!" for an answer. Insist. 
3. Don't hog the BABY. Most people who visit a NEW MOMMY think they're helping if they offer to hold the baby for her so that she can "get things done". Believe me, that's not really helping. Instead, offer to "get things done" for her, so she can have more guilt-free uninterrupted time with her baby. 
4. Sit down when you hold BABY. Nothing freaks a NEW MOMMY out more than worrying whether her bundle of fragile innocence is safe in your arms. And she may be too exhausted and polite to tell you.
5. Do the dishes. If there are chores that have obviously been let go, get yourself up from the couch and be useful. Clean up the kitchen. Offer to put on a load of laundry. Ask if she needs anything picked up from the grocery store.
6. Don't stay too long. Doesn't matter how chipper she sounds, NEW MOMMY tires easily. Come to visit, help out a bit, and then say goodbye. Unless of course, you're sticking around to scrub toilets or weed the flowerbeds.
7. Last, but not least, don't stop visiting (and helping) after the first couple weeks. Energetic hormones carry NEW MOMMY through the first 10 days or so. New mommyhood starts to get really rough about the time everyone has forgotten about you and gone back to their lives. So stay in touch.

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© Sarah K. Asaftei, 2009 unless otherwise sourced. Use allowed by express written permission only.

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when we got home from the hospital...

So, a lot of our friends have been having babies lately, and I got to thinking about when Little Man arrived. The support of my family and our friends was what got me through the exhaustion of the first few weeks. I can't imagine how tough it must be on women who have no one to help. Absent family, distant friends, bum husbands...

My family was amazing, and The Hubby was an absolute saint. No matter what he ever does in the future, I will never forget how selfless and serving he was. He became my hero for life. He ran errands, told me to rest when I felt guilty that everyone was doing everything for me, got up with me every night for weeks, cooked, cleaned, did laundry - you name it.

My parents arrived every day for moral support, to fix meals, watch the baby while I got a shower or nap (although I was so juiced during those first weeks that I could rarely fall asleep).Their advice and wisdom and experience kept me sane. And at that 2-week breaking point, when the sleep-deprivation got to the point of psychological torture, they took the baby all night. I slept for 16 hours straight, knowing he was in good hands.

And my sister was incredible. She cooked enough food to last 2-3 weeks, helped me survive lactation issues, sat with me for nearly two hours one afternoon while Little Man screamed in his inability to latch and I was a sobbing mess. Her medical knowledge (she's a PICU nurse) made me feel that I had someone to turn to when I couldn't figure things out.

Until you've been there, you really don't know how much you need people around. I once thought I wanted to launch into mothering myself. I wanted to have the "space" and "freedom" to learn and explore without interference. But when you bring that helpless tiny baby home and everyone else waves goodbye, heading back to life as normal - it's enough to induce a panic attack.

You may have thought you understood exhaustion. (I used to work three jobs while planning a wedding as a student in college - but I didn't have a clue.)

You may have thought you knew pain. You may have thought you were a generally unselfish person. But until you've been jarred awake from anxiety over tiny baby noises, every 8 minutes around the clock for three weeks straight, or you've put your baby to your breast every 2 hours despite the pain of blebs and nipple cracks - you still have a few things to learn.

My point?

Early motherhood is overwhelming and exhausting no matter how much help you have. The fluctuating hormones and post-birth healing process ain't easy, much less the actual caring-for-your-baby part.

So I've written a few guides (see upcoming posts), based on my observations and experience, for new daddies, and friends/family of new parents.

If any of you have suggestions to add, do leave a comment!

© Sarah K. Asaftei, 2009 unless otherwise sourced. Use allowed by express written permission only.

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